If you have a kid who bites his or her nails, please just leave them alone and let them grow out of it on their own.  The more you push, the more they’ll bite.  Please don’t feed the cycle.

I’m sorry to say that I have not been taking my own advice.  Oh sure, I leave Gabi alone about biting her nails, but there’s this other habit that she’s developed that I bug her about constantly.  Gabi has the habit of twisting and twisting her hair until it is tied in knots.  We call this “making dreadlocks , and we constantly pester her to stop.  When I brush her hair and I can tell it’s really tangled, I always ask, “Have you been making dreadlocks?”  And she always hangs her head and says yes.

Thinking about it, though, how is “making dreadlocks” fundamentally different from nail biting?

Hard truth?  It isn’t, and I’ve been shaming my kid about it, and that is not okay.

Man, that is so hard to write.  Acknowledging that I have a problem, though, is an important step in making positive changes.

I need to get honest with myself.   Why does the dreadlock making bother me so much?

• It makes tangles that are hard to comb.  She combs her own hair for the most part, and isn’t what what conditioner and detangler is for?  It is her hair.  If she is not bothered by it, I need to not be either.
• It breaks her hair.  I originally wrote that sentence as, “It breaks the hair.”  I had to go back and rewrite it.  It’s not the hair, it’s her hair.  Like fingernails, hair grows.  I need to let this go.
• It leaves her hair looking perpetually messy.  She’s a little girl full of energy, bounciness, and excitement.  Her hair will never be perfectly coiffed.  Mine sure never was.  I need to let her get on with more important things like swinging on swings and following ants.

And for some reason, and I have no idea why, it’s almost like I take the dredlock making as a personal attack.  Like she’s doing it just to bug me especially.  And that is completely irrational.  There is some baggage deep inside that I can’t pinpoint that I am asking my five-year-old to carry.  And that is not fair to her.

As an adult, it is up to me to set the tone of the relationship.  I can make our relationship about pestering and nagging, or one of peace and attachment.

Right here, right now, I am choosing peace and attachment.

This is me, sitting down, taking stock of where we are in our family, and making the decision to take my own advice.  I’m not going to bother Gabi about her hair anymore.  We’ve got better things to do.

When I read accounts of the Steubenville rapes, my stomach turned, not only because rape is a horrible thing to happen to a young girl, but also because the whole account hit way too close to home. Over fifteen years ago, my best friend was almost a Jane Doe. The only reason she wasn’t was because I was there. I’ve had many terrible things happen to me in my life. I sat and held my mother’s hand as she took her last breath. I rushed my daughter to the hospital with what I thought was a brain injury. I have endured every kind of abuse, most at the hands of my (now ex) spouse. And I still define that night as the worst in my life.

My friend, who I shall refer to as Mary, became very intoxicated at a party. That night, a young man neither of us had seen before showed up, and seeing me try to haul around my puking, semi-conscious friend, offered to help me “sober her up.” He laid down next to her, and I placed myself on the floor close by, also laying down, and then watched as he mounted her and began kissing her. She was too drunk to refuse him, too drunk to know who he was, too drunk to consent. She was not, however, too drunk to return his affections. A former flame of hers was there that night; for all I know, she thought it was him she was making out with.

I remember watching this, and finally from some deep inner reserve I’m still awed I had at sixteen, I said to him, “Why don’t you mess with someone who’s NOT too drunk to function?” This was the late 90′s, and I was wearing my “uniform” of baggy sweater over an ankle length broomskirt. When the guy heard me say those words, he grinned, said, “Okay,” and then rolled towards me and began sliding his hand up my skirt along one thigh, higher and higher, very slowly, watching my reaction. It took all of my strength not to react. I did not move. I did not make any noise. I lay stock still and waited to see what he’d do next. He was about four inches from seriously molesting me when he spat out some comment about me not reacting to him, and I said, as coldly as I could and with a supreme effort not to let my voice shake, “I want you to be fully aware that what you’re doing is to someone who doesn’t want it.”

His reaction was two-fold. He leaned over, licked my face, and then punched something nearby in anger. Then he stormed off.

I wish I could say the night ended there, but it didn’t. The rest of it is a blur, but he made no more overtures towards Mary or me. In the morning, he tried to hug me and praised how strong I was for staying with her all night and taking care of her. I do not think he meant when I told him, more or less, to leave her alone. I remember him comparing me to his grandmother, even. I remember friends joking about how hot and heavy things got, and lots of lewd jokes about threesomes.

The next afternoon, after we’d all returned home and I’d finally slept and had washed Mary’s puke out of my hair and clothes, she called me. And she said, shakily, “I don’t remember much from last night, but… thank you. I think that guy would have raped me.”

Here’s the thing, though. Despite my own bravery (because looking back now as the mother of two daughters, damn, that sixteen year old me had some nerve I hope my girls inherit!), despite the sacrifice I almost made for her – I did not think she would have been raped. Don’t get me wrong – I thought she would have had sex with that guy. But my sixteen-year-old, raised-in-today’s-rape-culture brain did not realize that what almost happened to Mary – what almost happened to me, even – would have been rape.

That’s the importance of Steubenville, and despite the terrible, terrible things that happened to Jane Doe, and continue happen to her, this should be her legacy. People are talking now about what rape really is. People are realizing that rape is not ignoring the word no, but rather, absence of the word yes.

I learned a lesson that day, and the seed was planted in my mind as I dealt with the aftermath and humiliation of my friends thinking that I’d put myself in a position to have sex with my best friend and a complete stranger, despite nothing happening that night. It was a slow lesson for me to fully absorb, though – a few years later my then-husband told me that he was absolutely disgusted that I’d “wanted” the sexual abuse I’d suffered as a child because I had not told my molester no. Those words cut me more deeply than the original abuse did, and I know that Jane Doe faces that same intense shame and second-guessing and self-hatred, and just as strongly as I know that, I also know she is wrong. Society is wrong, and it’s time to change that.

On her behalf, and on Mary’s behalf, and on behalf of all girls and women out there that have been raped or almost raped or have thought they might be raped, please spread the word that consent means saying yes and being able to do so without reservation or pressure or alcohol. And without that consent, the answer is always, always no, and no woman ever deserves to be shamed or humiliated when that message is misinterpreted, just like any man who chooses to ignore it does deserve to be labeled appropriately: as a rapist. Jane Doe deserves at least that much. Mary deserves at least that much. Your daughters and sisters and cousins and friends deserve that much. But most of all, society deserves that. Be part of the change.

Related articles

• I Feel Sorry For The Steubenville Rapists (thoughtcatalog.com)
• I Am Jane Doe (makemeasammich.org)
• I Am Another Jane Doe (hopefiending.wordpress.com)

A good friend of mine, posted this article on her newsfeed:

Slovakian cyclist Peter Sagan rapped for bottom-pinch on podium after Tour of Flanders

HIGHLY rated Slovakian cyclist Peter Sagan has been accused of sexism and harassment after he was pictured pinching the bottom of a podium girl after the Tour of Flanders.

Sagan, 23, smirked towards the camera as he grabbed the bottom of a blonde hostess, one of two girls giving congratulatory kisses to race winner Fabian Cancellara.

Poor Sagan.  So charming and cheeky.  Just having a bit of fun, right.  He even non-apologized:

Was not my intention to disrespect women today on the podium. Just a joke, sorry if someone was disturbed about it.—
Peter Sagan (@petosagan) March 31, 2013

Having had my ass grabbed in a club and at school, let me take a minute to assure any men who might read this who might be inclined to shrug off butt-grabbing as a harmless little prank that it’s anything but.  It is really scary.  Really, really scary.  It leaves you feeling shocked, violated, and afraid.  It is assault, plain and simple.

That said, in the context of this, I am having a hard time understanding the furor that this has caused.  Let’s take a step back for a moment and look at the context of this situation.

What I find far more disturbing than the fact that Sagan assaulted that woman is that “podium girls” exist in the first place.  Do race organizers really pay women to stand on the podium and kiss the winner of the race?  That is objectification at its mightiest.  These nameless women exist purely as spoils of war here.  No wonder Sagan felt like he could grab a little ass.  They’re not people, just podium girls.

Does this excuse Sagan’s behavior?  Absolutely not.  But let’s be sure to focus some attention some attention on the bigger issue here: The institutionalized degradation of women in sport.  It’s not just cycling, and it’s not just Sagan.

Rape culture is rampant in sports, and until we as a society stand up and start treating women as human beings and stop promoting this kind of degradation, the Sagans and Steubenville rapists of the world will continue blundering along assaulting women and apologizing for getting caught.

Related articles

• Sagan issues apology for podium girl-grabbing on Flanders podium (velonation.com)
• Cyclist Rising Star Peter Sagan Grabs Woman’s Ass, but Who Really Cares? (jezebel.com)
• Cyclist Peter Sagan accused of sexism for podium ‘bottom-pinch’ (thetimes.co.uk)
• The takeaway from Peter Sagan’s Tour of Flanders bum-pinching outrage | Matt Seaton (guardian.co.uk)
• A real lack of cl-ass in the Classics. (madisonbikedogs.wordpress.com)

Scott, Susan, and I met up at the local Cheesecake Factory restaurant to chat.  Full disclosure: I had water.  With lemon.  I was hoping to talk to them about ways they could become more transparent.  I published those points on Friday, although, reviewing that post, it looks like I made a royal screw-up with my post scheduling and the post was set to private for some reason.  Friday was definitely not a day that was full of awesome.  So in case you aren’t an email subscriber and in case you got the link and you were blocked from reading it, here is that post: Meeting with Prolacta Executives Happening Right Now!

Here are the points I wanted to discuss with them:

1. Choosing a name other than “milk bank” for your milk collection agencies is absolutely necessary. These are collection agencies and referring to them as banks is confusing and misleading. Banks retain milk, process it, store it, and ultimately distribute it. These agencies simply collect the milk and pass it along to you.

2. Find a new way to refer to milk given to your company. “Donations” are something given to a non-profit, not a business. Using the language of charity confuses people.

3. State very clearly on the front page of each and every collection agency website that you are a for-profit company, not a non-profit milk bank. This should be found on the front page and in the pages describing what happens to the milk once it is shipped out. As an alternative, eliminate the middle-man milk collection agencies and collect milk under your own name.

4. Create a concrete set of communication guidelines to ensure that all employees and contractors know how to engage with the public in an open and transparent way. Ensure that this is communicated cross-functionally, including (and especially) to third party public relations firms and to your milk collection agencies.

5. Make it very clear on your website and on your milk collection agencies’ websites that you have a partnership with Abbott. This should also appear both on the front page and continue to appear in the FAQ and on the front pages and FAQs of your associated milk collection agencies.

6. Increase transparency surrounding your Ready to Feed line of products and ensure your FAQ and associated information pages has complete information on this, particularly with regard to the competition with HMBANA banks section.

Scott is very good at managing a conversation, though, and steer it in the direction he wants it to go.  He’s a successful CEO after all.  He’s used to being in control of things.  Mostly, we talked about how much Prolacta cares about NICU premies, how special their needs are, and how awesome Prolacta’s products are.  And I am sure they are great products.

That’s not the point.  The point was to talk to Prolacta about improving transparency.

And we did.  Here is what Scott and Susan had to say about the points I made:

Choosing a name other than “milk bank” for your milk collection agencies is absolutely necessary.

They quibbled quite a bit over this.  It is plain that they did not see how this is confusing, despite the fact that many mothers are misled by this.  Scott and Susan did not express any intent to change this.

Find a new way to refer to milk given to your company.

Again, more quibbling.  ”Well, what are we supposed to call it?”  Honestly?  I don’t have a marketing degree, but surely there is another word they can use here.  Why not just call it pumped milk?  Let’s try it in their FAQ.  Here’s a screen shot of the Milkin’ Mamas FAQ (Helping Hands appears to be down):

The FAQ from Milkin’ Mamas

Why couldn’t it instead read:

• Who can provide milk for Milkin’ Mamas?
• How do I know if I am a candidate to provide milk for Milkin’ Mamas?
• …
• Who receives my pumped milk?
• …
• After lactation begins, how long can a nursing mother provide pumped milk to Milkin’ Mamas?
• …
• Can I smoke while pumping milk for Milkin’ Mamas?
• …
• Will I be paid for my pumped milk?

You get the idea.  Not that hard, right?  And removing the word “donation” certainly is more accurate and less confusing and misleading.  To be fair to Scott and Susan, I had thought long and hard about how to change this language and was having trouble finding the words.  I did not suggest simply calling it pumped milk during our meeting.  Like many things, this idea struck me like a bolt of lightning after the fact.  I emailed both Scott and Susan after our meeting with the suggestion and I hope they take it to heart.  Of course, this change would need to take place in all areas of their affiliated websites (not just the FAQs) in order to be effective.   I have not heard back from Scott and Susan to know if they are willing to entertain this idea.

State very clearly on the front page of each and every collection agency website that you are a for-profit company.

Scott and Susan both seemed to believe that they are making this information clear already.  Susan brought me a printout from the Helping Hands front page to illustrate this.  Unfortunately, the printout was not of sufficient quality to see the small, faint message that said something along the lines of “a division of Prolacta Biosciences” and because the Helping Hands website is down currently, I can’t independently verify this.  None of my previous screenshots capture this portion of the website.

I do know that the Milkin’ Mamas website does not have this in their header, nor do they have a Prolacta Biosciences tab (the Prolacta logo is at the bottom of the page):

No mention of Prolacta on this header

Prolacta, simply put, is unique.  It holds a very unusual place in that it is, to my knowledge, the only for-profit company that deals with human milk.  Of course we wouldn’t ask Pampers to publish their for-profit status on their website because every other diaper manufacturer in the country is for-profit.  We assume that a diaper company is for profit.  Human milk banking is the opposite.  Every other bank in the country (if not the world) is non-profit, so it is fair to assume that if you are dealing with someone collecting milk for babies, that it would be non-profit.  This is why it is critical that Prolacta identify clearly that it is a corporation and not a non-profit company.

When I brought up the concerns over the language in the “Understand Where Your Milk Goes…” infographic, Scott did comit to changing the language on there to say that the Human Milk Fortifier is sold to hospitals, although, he said, this would take some time to roll out and would not be an instant change.  I get it.  I work in corporate America.  These things aren’t instantaneous.  This is a step in the right direction.

Create a concrete set of communication guidelines to ensure that all employees and contractors know how to engage with the public in an open and transparent way.

There wasn’t much contention on this issue.  I hope that their agreement on this point means that they will ensure that all employees, contractors, and 3rd parties know how to engage appropriately with the public.  I was not able to convince Susan to share with me their internal communication guidelines for publication on my blog.  This may be because they do not exist, and I hope that if this is the case they will take this opportunity to create communication guidelines.  Every company, not just Prolacta, should ensure that its people know how to engage with the public in an appropriate way.

Make it very clear on your website and on your milk collection agencies’ websites that you have a partnership with Abbott.

When I brought up the concerns with Abbot and their longstanding status as WHO Code violators, Scott made it clear that he could not discuss this with me.  He was able to talk about the Prolacta relationship with Abbot, but he did not address my concerns about his choice to partner with a company who shows through its actions that it seeks to directly undermine the breastfeeding relationships of mothers and babies though its marketing practices.

Increase transparency surrounding your Ready to Feed line of products.

In addition to its Human Milk Fortifier, Prolacta markets a line of products called its Ready to Feed line.  At this time, there is only one product offered under this product line: Standardized Human Milk or PremieLact.

Prolacta’s Standardized Human Milk, aka PremieLact

From my conversation with Scott, I am under the impression that this is no longer being manufactured or was only manufactured as more of a one-off thing when a hospital needed human milk in a very small bottle size (because decanting a HMBANA bottle is not possible?).  Scott explained that the Human Milk Fortifier absolutely cannot be mixed with formula, so there was a need to ensure that hospitals have small quantities of human milk on hand.  Having given milk informally to a mom of a micro-premie (now a gorgeous toddler), I know this is a legit need.  If babies are born early enough, mom doesn’t always go through the hormone shift that allows her to produce milk.  I appreciated Scott clarifying the intent and need behind this product and I think that would be helpful to include in information to pumping moms.

Overall Impressions of the Conversation

First, Scott, and by extension Prolacta, doesn’t seem to think too much about the pumping moms who provide them with milk.  That’s not to say that I think they view those moms with contempt or anything like that.  It’s just that those moms seem to take up far less space in their sphere of concern that getting their product out to NICU babies.  Considering that Prolacta relies solely on pumping moms to stay in business, I find this sad.

Perhaps I’m wrong.  Perhaps Scott wanted to talk more about babies and less about pumping moms because the babies are a major feel-good point for his company and the pumping mom aspect of the business isn’t as comfortable for him because it is an area where his business is vulnerable.  Perhaps his focus on NICU premies is because of the passion he gained from his own personal experience.  Regardless, I am disappointed that we spent most of the conversation on that portion of the business instead of talking about the pumping moms.

I also got the impression that Scott has a certain amount of contempt for the HMBANA banks.  He went on at length about Prolacta’s safety standards and how they set the standard for all milk banks in handling human milk safely.  He shared his experience with Baxter and the group of people who caught AIDS from blood transfusions.  He talked about diseases, the possibility of moms mixing in cow, coconut, or almond milk with breast milk, moms combining milk with other moms to ship, and so on.  These are legitimate concerns, but these are all things, that I am sure HMBANA banks have experience dealing with, especially considering that the San Jose milk bank has been around for more than 30 years  It seems like the relatively young Prolacta could stand to take a few notes from them.

Do I think Scott is a big, bad, evil guy?  No.  He and Susan were both genuinely courteous and friendly to me during our meeting and seemed interested in what I had to say.  At the start of the conversation, I shared with Scott and Susan how I felt when I learned that my “donated” milk had gone to a for-profit company.  Both Scott and Susan listened carefully to my story, and then Scott said this, “Molly, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I am so relieved to hear that this was your experience in 2008 and not in 2013.”  And I understand what he is saying.  Prolacta has worked hard to improve its transparency, and I think they’ve learned some hard lessons in the past and I think they have put those lessons to good use.  I think the fact that they were willing to drive over an hour to meet with me shows that they are interested in continuing the process of improving transparency, and I hope that their actions following our conversation will show us all that they mean what they say.

I would invite Susan and Scott to comment here on this post and tell us in detail what their actions will be in the days and weeks ahead.

Related articles

• Texas Mom Sets World Record for ‘Most Breastmilk Donated’ (86 Gallons!!!) (everydayfamily.com)
• Non-Profit Milk Banking and How You Can Help (knockedupknockedover.com)
• #Miami mother opening Florida’s first non-profit breast milk depot (browardnetonline.com)
• Florida first: a nonprofit human milk depot to collect breastmilk donations from lactating women. (familysurvivalprotocol.com)
• Prolacta, For-Profit Milk Banks, and Predatory PR Tactics (knockedupknockedover.com)

I am pleased at the opportunity to meet directly with Scott and Susan. I hope this meeting turns out to be the opportunity I believe it can be to help Prolacta improve their transparency and make positive changes to their business practices.

Here are the points I am presenting to Scott and Susan during our meeting. I look forward to the conversation that these points will spark.

1. Choosing a name other than “milk bank” for your milk collection agencies is absolutely necessary. These are collection agencies and referring to them as banks is confusing and misleading. Banks retain milk, process it, store it, and ultimately distribute it. These agencies simply collect the milk and pass it along to you.
2. Find a new way to refer to milk given to your company. “Donations” are something given to a non-profit, not a business. Using the language of charity confuses people.
3. State very clearly on the front page of each and every collection agency website that you are a for-profit company, not a non-profit milk bank. This should be found on the front page and in the pages describing what happens to the milk once it is shipped out. As an alternative, eliminate the middle-man milk collection agencies and collect milk under your own name.
4. Create a concrete set of communication guidelines to ensure that all employees and contractors know how to engage with the public in an open and transparent way. Ensure that this is communicated cross-functionally, including (and especially) to third party public relations firms and to your milk collection agencies.
5. Make it very clear on your website and on your milk collection agencies’ websites that you have a partnership with Abbott. This should also appear both on the front page and continue to appear in the FAQ and on the front pages and FAQs of your associated milk collection agencies.
6. Increase transparency surrounding your Ready to Feed line of products and ensure your FAQ and associated information pages has complete information on this, particularly with regard to the competition with HMBANA banks section.

I hope to come back to you with real and concrete actions that Prolacta is willing to commit to. They have invested time and effort in this meeting and I hope that they do not squander this by turning it into a simple PR stunt. I hope that they come away from our meeting with a deeper understanding of the impact their lack of transparency has on so many mothers, and I hope they turn that understanding into meaningful change.

Related articles

• Working for Change in the For-Profit Breastmilk Industry (knockedupknockedover.com)
• Prolacta, For-Profit Milk Banks, and Predatory PR Tactics (knockedupknockedover.com)
• Non-Profit Milk Banking and How You Can Help (knockedupknockedover.com)
• Prolacta Update (knockedupknockedover.com)
• VIDEO: Turkey to pilot milk bank for mothers (bbc.co.uk)
• Moms, Milk and Minivans: The Mothers Milk Bank of North Texas Receives Generous Donation from Roger Williams Car Dealership (seaofinfo.com)
• #Miami mother opening Florida’s first non-profit breast milk depot (browardnetonline.com)
• Florida first: a nonprofit human milk depot to collect breastmilk donations from lactating women. (familysurvivalprotocol.com)
• Miami Mother Helps Open Fla’s First Breast Milk Depot (miami.cbslocal.com)

Liz is taking a leave of absence from public education to care for her 18 month old and emotionally needy border collie. Before Liz stayed home, she taught every grade from Kindergarten to 8th, but loved middle school because that is where the real changes in life happen.  When she was working, her husband cared for their daughter and then he worked afternoons and nights. Being a mom to her daughter is the best job she has ever had.  Previously, Liz wrote the article Guest Post: Misconceptions about Motherhood.

I don’t remember how exactly I discovered Pinterest, but apparently it was at the same time that everyone else did, too. Even my own mother was telling me about things she was pinning. When I was teaching, I used it to keep track of all my summer and late night research. Then I gradually moved out of the education realm and into pinning things like recipes and garden projects. I just love the internet!

 Since I have recently (in the past two weeks) become a Stay At Home Mom, I feel it is my duty to compete with all the awesomeness out there. There’s no awards for being a Stay At Home Mom and I am intensely competitive with myself. Of course there’s no need to go crazy here. I’ll never earn the title super mom and I don’t want it.

 Figuring out this mom thing is actually kind of hard. Teaching middle school is sometimes easier believe it or not. I need some kind of structure in my day, which is why I’ve pinned all kinds of calendars and organizational ideas. There’s some great ideas on there. I’m already pinning and planning activities to do with my daughter. Her board alone has 124 pins! Where to start? A tractor made out of cardboard? Reading chairs made from inner tubes? Or a bunch of busy bags to make and toss in the diaper bag? I’ve got about 20 pins with lists of things to do with your toddler. Does that make me a good mother? Someday I’ll have time to read those.

 The downside to Pinterest is it is a time sucking, black hole. There’s so many interesting things out there. So many people to follow, so many neat ideas. I’ve got 21 boards and 986 pins and I have tried to keep it down, believe me! If I do one thing a day, it will take me about three years. Of course I keep pinning so there could be no end to this.

 I can do yoga with my daughter, that is assuming she stops running around in circles long enough to get downward facing dog with me. I can paint a chapter of a book on a wall, reorganize my pantry (wait, I don’t have a pantry), and make three months worth of freezer meals. I’m out of breath; the whole thing makes me a little manic.

 I’ve got to get that kitchen herb garden going and start some seeds in toilet paper roles because it’s biodegradable. So far I’ve saved 4 toilet paper rolls and they are sitting on my soon to be organized desk. Perhaps my husband won’t mind if I build some inexpensive shelves in front of the kitchen window to hold all these plants. Ooh… I can plant tulip bulbs in water and we can watch them grow every day! There’s so much to do and so little time!

Breathe. . . .

Let it go . . . .

 It’s just a bunch of pretty pictures and ideas on the internet. I’ll take it slow, one recipe and idea at a time, and if I don’t do all of it or any of it, it doesn’t make me any less of a person. One night I got extra creative and made beef and broccoli in the crockpot and Ramen, from scratch. That’s right, I even made the dough and rolled out the noodles.
Recipe thanks to Katie at the Kitchen Door: http://katieatthekitchendoor.com/2012/10/28/cookbook-review-and-giveaway-japanese-farm-food/

This year I’m going to be a better person. I’ll learn to cook, start composting, improve my garden, and find all kinds of ways to entertain and teach my toddler. Just as soon as I get organized.

Related articles

• Oh Pinterest! (ohthesimplelife.wordpress.com)
• The Pressures Of Pinterest (onewiththepastor.com)
• Productive pinterest-ing! (laurenengland.wordpress.com)

Related articles

• Working for Change in the For-Profit Breastmilk Industry (knockedupknockedover.com)
• Prolacta, For-Profit Milk Banks, and Predatory PR Tactics (knockedupknockedover.com)
• Non-Profit Milk Banking and How You Can Help (knockedupknockedover.com)
• Moms, Milk and Minivans: The Mothers’ Milk Bank of North Texas Receives Generous Donation from Roger Williams Car Dealership (prweb.com)

Mothers’ Milk Bank in San Jose, California is a non-profit, HMBANA (I am having a hard time saying “Hmmbana” for some reason) milk bank.  It’s one of many scattered across the US and Canada that collects breast milk from donors to provide to babies and children in need.  HMBANA banks set the standard for all milk banks in that they not only receive endorsements from health agencies, but they collect and distribute their milk in a way that adheres to a specific set of best practices.

Photo courtesy of Mothers’ Milk Bank, San Jose, CA

Pauline explained to me that one of the biggest things that sets HMBANA banks apart is the focus on the breastfeeding relationship.  The main goal is to get mom and baby breastfeeding, not ship out a certain volume of milk.  Many of the employees at Mothers’ Milk Bank are IBCLCs and RNs, and they work with moms to get them in touch with lactation support specialist in their own area.

I learned so much from speaking to Pauline.  I had always been under the impression that milk bank milk was almost impossible to get and that it was only for premies in the NICU.  I had assumed that, upon leaving the hospital, moms and babies would be left to fend for themselves.

Nothing could be further from the truth!

I was amazed to learn about the diversity of the population that Mothers’ Milk Bank serves!  They provide milk to micropremies up to babies 2 and 3 years old!  They are even currently providing milk to a 7 year old suffering from spinal-muscular dystrophy.  Without his own mother’s milk and the milk provided by the milk bank, this little boy would not be alive today.  They also occasionally provide milk to adult cancer patients.

All a person needs to receive milk from the bank is a prescription from a doctor.  Many insurance policies cover the cost of the milk, and if not, often employees of the bank chip in to cover the cost of the milk.  And what is that cost?  Only enough to cover the costs of shipping and processing the milk, usually between $3 and $4.50. 

It is often difficult for the bank, though, because demand almost always outpaces supply.  The bank focuses on situations where a mom is trying very hard to breastfeed but is not able to due to medical reasons like a double mastectomy or other situation.  In other cases, they support the mom’s attempts to breastfeed while providing the donor milk as a supplement to the mom’s actions.

I was also surprised at how easy it is to donate milk.  If you can give blood, chances are good that you can also donate milk.  Mothers’ Milk Bank covers that cost of shipping and for moms not living in a city with a milk bank, there are often depots set up to receive the milk and help transfer it to the bank.  This was surprising to me.  I always thought that you had to live in a city with a milk bank in order to donate to the bank.  They can even collect milk from Alaska and Hawaii and there are three banks in Canada!

Photo courtesy of Mothers’ Milk Bank, San Jose, CA

Once they receive the milk, they process it in very small batches.  Typically, they will combine milk from 2-4 donors, although sometimes they will note that there is a higher level of bacteria in a particular mom’s milk.  If they see that, they pasteurize her milk separately.  They work to make sure that the donors in the combined batches all have babies that are of similar age so that they can match the “age” of the milk to the age of the recipient baby.  They bottle the milk and treat it in a hot water bath using a method called Holder Pasteurization.  They heat the milk to 62.5 degrees C for 30 minutes.  Pauline told me that they have found that this method is most effective in killing off bacteria and viruses that may be in the milk while preserving as much of the benefits of the milk as possible.

Once the milk is processed, they ship it out to the patients.  It’s that simple.

According to Pauline, the biggest challenge they face is finding enough milk to meet the demand of patients.  Because they serve a larger population than just premies in the NICU, they often find that they have more patients than available milk.  This is where for profit milk collection becomes an issue.  It can take enough milk to feed four or five babies to make enough of the fortified milk for one baby.  Any competition for milk can make servicing the existing patients difficult for the non-profits.

When I asked Pauline about mother-to-mother milk sharing, my preferred method of milk sharing, she did not discourage this practice, but she said that no matter what you are doing with your milk, be sure you really know where it is going.  She has heard stories of professional atheletes soliciting for breast milk, and one advantage of going through a HMBANA bank is that it gives mom a layer of protection from liability in case a recipient baby does become ill.  This definitely made me pause and think.  The milk I have given has been to friends, but I wonder how comfortable I would have been donating milk in a more annonymous situation?

The main thing that Pauline wanted to get across is this:

HMBANA has been here for years and years.  We all service different people with different needs, and if we could work together and keep in concept that the mission is to help moms breastfeed it would be beneficial.  We do need milk. We do need moms to know about us.  There are babies behind who we serve and children who are failing to thrive that really need the support. If we had to close down because every mom was breastfeeding, we would do it!

We have excellent moms in the US that are breastfeeding in this country.  And bless them for having that extra milk and saying “Can anybody use it?”

Here is more information about donating to Mothers’ Milk Bank in San Jose.

Here is a link to the HMBANA site to help you find a non-profit milk bank near you.

I am grateful to Pauline for her time and for the hard work that she and other HMBANA bank employees do for breastfeeding moms and babies.

Photo courtesy of Mothers’ Milk Bank, San Jose, CA

I am excited to let you know that I have been emailing directly with the non-profit HMBANA bank, and I hope to bring you a post soon about non-profit milk banks and how you can help.  There is a truly critical shortage of breastmilk in the non-profit milk bank sector, so I am looking forward to bringing awareness to that issue.

I have also been emailing directly with Susan from Prolacta, and she and I agree that there is an opportunity here for dialogue.  Having worked in corporate America for as long as I have, I know that change is only achievable through open dialogue, and I think there is an opportunity here for change to be made.  Will I ever agree with the concept of a for-profit milk bank getting their raw material for free?  Unlikely.  However, I think there are improvements that need to be made, and I hope that by talking with them, some changes will be possible. 

I will certainly keep you all updated as this develops.  If you have questions that you would like for me to ask either the non-profit HMBANA or the for-profit Prolacta, please let me know in the comments section.

Related articles

• Prolacta, For-Profit Milk Banks, and Predatory PR Tactics (knockedupknockedover.com)
• The Mothers’ Milk Bank at Austin Launches YouTube Channel and New Video Series (prweb.com)
• Milk Bank collects donations from breast-feeding moms in Sacramento (sacbee.com)
• Shortage Of Breast Milk Leads To Unique Donation Drive In Sacramento (sacramento.cbslocal.com)

In her article, “Swindled: The Ugly Side of Milk Donation,” Amy from Just West of Crunchy unpacks the issue thoroughly, and I would really encourage you to read her article and the two follow-up articles (Prolacta’s Mole, Prolacta responds to “Swindled: The Ugly Side of Milk Donation”) to get a full understanding of the complexity of this issue.  It’s important background information for what I will be talking about here.

I donated to Prolacta in the past via their project to send milk to African babies.  At the time, I was excited to help out with orphans in need.  I was thrilled at the prospect that I could help a sweet orphaned baby who might otherwise die from tainted water used to mix its formula.  Later, when I learned that it was highly unlikely that any of my milk actually went to help those babies and had most likely instead been sold for profit, I felt used.  It was a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and it’s a feeling that I have never quite managed to shake.

With this in mind, you can imagine how I felt with I received the following message on my Facebook page (bolding mine):

I am loving your site and your story! Best of luck with your two girls! I was doing research for my client Prolacta (to be completely transparent) and its Helping Hands Milk Bank when I found you and thought you might want to do a blog post to educate your readers.

Prolacta has this program called the Helping Hands Milk Bank where nursing moms can donate excess breast milk to be given to premies who aren’t getting enough. I’ll paste some information below for a blog entry about this group so that other moms reading your blog can be aware that this resource is available. Let me know…thanks!

Rita T*****
[phone number]
[email]

Helping Hands is a virtual milk bank that allows qualified donors to make breast milk donations from the comfort of their home. Prolacta Bioscience collects excess breast milk from mothers who donate through Helping Hands and processes it into the first and only commercially available breast milk fortifier made from 100% human milk (rather than cow milk) for critically ill, premature infants in neonatal intensive care units (NICUs). Among other improved risk factors, a recent study published in the Journal of Pediatrics shows that an exclusive human milk diet (which includes Prolact+ H2MF) reduces the odds of developing NEC (the #1 health risk for preemies) by 77%.

The process is simple. Helping Hands allows busy mothers to apply online in about 15 minutes. Helping Hands supplies storage containers, and covers all shipping costs & supplies, so there is no out-of-pocket cost to the donor, and she doesn’t have to travel anywhere to donate her breast milk.

I can get you some links or code for a supporter badge for your site, just let me know…

Essentially, what Rita T (a PR rep) is asking me to do is advertise for free for her for profit company.  She does mention Prolacta several times, but she never mentions that both it and Helping Hands are for profit enterprises.  Instead, she says that the milk will be “given” to babies.  She talks about milk donations and refers to Helping Hands as a milk bank, which further confuses these for profit businesses with legitimate, non-profit milk banks.

Here is the response I sent to Rita T’s solicitation:

Rita, I am very familiar with prolacta, having donated to them in the past, and I am one of those moms that finds their business model to be absolutely beyond the pale. I am not interested in becoming involved with anything further to do with prolacta. After donating to them, I felt used and misled. The milk prolacta collects is not “given” to premies, as you say. Rather, the milk is processed and sold for profit to hospitals for use as a human milk fortifier. Their marketing and advertizing is misleading and predatory. I will always continue to encourage mothers to donate milk, but I will encourage mother-to-mother direct donation or donations to non-profit milk banks rather than donating to a company that preys on the good intentions of mothers for their own profit.

I am sorry if this seems like a harsh response, but you are asking me to promote a business based on misleading information. Nowhere do you mention that prolacta is for-profit and nowhere do you mention that the human milk fortifier will be sold for profit. In no other industry do businesses expect to get their raw materials for free, and I am, frankly, shocked, that prolacta continues to pursue this in this manner.

As a for profit business, I would imagine they could afford to pay for their own PR rather than trying to get that for free as well.

I decided to do a little digging on Helping Hands, and I was disappointed, but not surprised, by how misleading their website is.  A quick google search turned up the website straight away, and I expected it to be clear somewhere on the front page that the milk would be sold for profit. 

The helping hands front page is all about helping the babies and curing cancer with nary a mention that it is a for-profit business.

Alas, no.  Not even if you scroll down and read all the teeny-tiny print at the bottom of the page.

Not even when you click the button”Understand Where your Milk Goes” do they disclose their for-profit status.  Instead, they bring you to a pretty graphic with trucks and buildings showing how milk is brought from the mother, processed, and delivered (not “sold”) to the hospitals. 

No mention of selling the product to the hospital or the parents.

It isn’t unless you click on the HHMB FAQ tab at the top of the page and scroll all the way through the FAQs to the bottom that they reveal their for profit status.  Can you find it?  It took me 20 minutes from the time I opened their website and I knew what to look for.

Is it for profit or isn’t it? Hint: Take a close look at question 24 out of 27. Nicely buried way down at the bottom

Look, I don’t have a problem with their product.  I don’t even necessarily have a problem with the plain fact that they are a for-profit business.  I work in corporate America.  I completely get the need to cover the costs of research. I really and truly do. Heck, I don’t even have a problem with corporate PR as long campaigns are ethical and transparent.

What I do have a problem with is that Helping Hands and Prolacta Biosciences hide behind the language of non-profits (using words like “milk bank” and “donate”) to solicit for free the raw materials they use to make their product.  They are not up-front with mothers about the fact that they are selling their milk for profit.  They are not upfront about the fact that they are in direct competition with non-profit milk banks both in gathering milk and selling a product.  This kind of misinformation is completely unacceptable and it must stop. 

If you are going to run an ethical business, you have got to be transparent.

Fellow moms, please research where your milk is going if you choose to donate to a milk bank.  Read all the fine print.  Here is a quick list of “banks” that collect and sell milk to Prolacta (according to the Prolacta website):

• International Breastmilk Project (this is the one that supposedly sends the milk to Africa and the one I briefly donated to)
• Milkin’ Mamas
• South Coast Milk Bank
• Helping Hands Milk Bank
• National Milk Bank
• Milk for Wishes Milk Bank
• University of Minnesota Medical Center, Fairview
• San Gabriel Valley Milk Bank

So, Rita T, please think carefully about what you are doing by contacting bloggers such as myself and asking us to shill for your client.  Think carefully about the misleading messages and emails you are sending out.  Think about it, and then please stop doing it.  You, Helping Hands, and Prolacta Biosciences are not behaving in an ethical way. 

Update:

The dialogue between myself and the PR rep continues.  Perhaps there is a possibility here of making some real and lasting change for the better.

Related articles

• Shortage Of Breast Milk Leads To Unique Donation Drive In Sacramento (sacramento.cbslocal.com)
• Texas Mom Sets World Record for ‘Most Breastmilk Donated’ (86 Gallons!!!) (everydayfamily.com)
• Donated breast milk can be a preemie’s best friend (hamptonroads.com)
• Milk Bank collects donations from breast-feeding moms in Sacramento (sacbee.com)